Back in 2007, before the advent of social media, I had a blog. Today, I wanted to read my old blog posts, but I could not find them.

I was sad. I am sad. Why didn’t I save them?? There’s a chance they’re on my husband’s computer, but I’m not holding my breath.

For some reason, I thought I didn’t need to revisit my former self. That was a mistake because I have grown in some ways and regressed in others.

Spiritually, I was healthier back then. My love for Jesus was palpable and I wanted to share Him with everyone. (Which I tried to do, but not very well.) However, my understanding of the Bible was lacking.

Now, I have a better understanding of the Bible, but my spirit feels dry.

Christians: Read your Bibles and pray. Every day! No excuses. Make it your top priority.

Don’t do like I did. For many years, I stopped praying and reading the Bible. I allowed myself to get lost in the day-to-day of being a mother and trying to earn a living. 

Looking back, I can plainly see how my spirit slowly withered. I felt less moved during worship time. I didn’t feel excited to attend church. I didn’t want to go to group Bible study. I didn’t even have the energy to pray. Worse, I fell into sins that made me want to hide from God.

My heart grew more and more selfish. My priorities turned upside down. Instead of putting God first, I put work first.

I dreamed about an easy life where I wrote fiction all day in a little room by myself. This dream was my inspiration, what I worked for feverishly. I longed for a quiet office with bookshelves holding the dozens of books I had written.

Where was God in this picture?

He was there when I attended church. He was there when I read faith-related blog posts, or occassionally listened to online sermons. He was there when I thought about going to heaven one day, and He was there when I considered what content to include or not include in my novels.

But even that started to slip. I started thinking, Why should I write for a Christian audience? There’s no money in that. The money is in the secular world, and the more I push the envelope with on page descriptions of intimacy without going too far, everything will be A-okay. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Except it wasn’t okay. I was not okay. I was stressed, addicted to diet pop and sugar, gaining weight by the month. I was discouraged and tired and forcing myself to keep going because…the prize! I was after the prize! (Me in a room by myself writing books.)

Now I realize I was a hot mess. As time went by, I was becoming more in the world and OF the world.

Fellow Christians, do not let this happen to you! Stay in your Bible and keep praying.

There’s nothing scarier than the moment you realize the world is starting to make more sense than your Bible and Jesus on the Cross. There is nothing scarier. I promise you. You DO NOT want to go there.

God is faithful. He is nursing my sick spirit back to health, but not without periods of confusion, moments when I think I’ve lost my salvation, and times when I feel like God has surely given up on me.

The enemy keeps shooting lies, but I am fighting them off with Bible reading and prayer, the two things I thought I could do without.

Not anymore. I’ve learned my lesson, and God-willing, I’m not going to have to learn it again.

Today, I think I finally, finally, gave my writing to God. (As soon as I say this, He’ll show me what I’m still clinging to. That’s how He works.) I said, God, I don’t care if I ever make a dime at this writing gig. I will write for you and whatever happens happens.

Yes, the economy is tough. Yes, I have three kids to send through college and No, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it, but it will be okay.

If I have to take out loans, fine, I’ll be in debt till I die. It’s okay. This world is temporary. I don’t need a big house and nice things. I need God. Without Him I have nothing. Absolutely nothing!

If you’re still with me, thank you for reading. I hope I have inspired you to spend time with God daily. Good time. Not just a few throw away prayers.

You will save yourself heartache and confusion. Believe me.

Have you ever gone through a period of spiritual confusion? If so, how did you reconnect with God and repair your relationship?